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Tonight’s dream

Friday, May 18th, 2007 @ 11:07 am
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Posted in  Heuristics, Personal Process, Supervision

Yesterday i had quite an ‘intensive’ supervision session with W. and i have to do a lot of work now to clarify things about my research proposal etc…I am deeply grateful to W. for being such a good companion to all this journey, we have a very good working alliance and i receive a lot of support from him. My difficulty lies on the fact that my concentration is very low due to my personal grievings and frustrations in my personal life (which also affect my sleep patterns etc, i need to rest more so that i can produce ideas and be able to write etc). Anyway, during early hours this morning, i had a dream that seems to be telling me sth about my research proposal but i cant quite remember the detailsAll i remember is that i was at Maria’s office (Greek academic) and we were discussing various things about my project and what felt to be a significant moment was that she gave me a paper clip suggesting that i ‘shall put sth together’…when i was talking to W. yesterday at our tutorial, we had the dilemma around my ‘interview sample’ and locating my PhD, i was telling him that it would be useful to focus on the greek territory as it may help me professionally in the future, given that i want to live in Greece etc. I had two strings of ideas about the PhD and it seemed as if i have to make a choice which feels difficult… the end of our session I said that maybe i can do TWO different interviews with each participant where i address those two strings….but wasnt quite sure how to connect those two in ONE rationale…i needed a link…………….now in the dream, Maria gave my a paper clip that is very vivid in my mind..I am trying to connect with the ‘universal’ space of ideas cause am sure there are some answers there…i wish i remembered more details of the dream… sure there is some moment of  ‘heuristic illumination’ approaching…., i hope it does anyway….it has to!!!

I am going to have a little notebook these days next to my bed cause i need to use every single second of my time (awake or asleep) to be connecting both with myself and what is trying to emerge. I have a lot of potential and when it cannot be channeled, due to so much emotional clutter and traumatic stuff, i end up feeling suffocated and ultimatelly get more and more ill….i need to be kind to myself, tame the stress and frustration I am feeling and let the universe help me at all levels…I need to be putting my head down on paper (as much as i can but also not reject myself if i cant cope that much, just do my best each day) and also have my eyes up to ‘see’ and ‘receive’ what is there…i have survived until now, despite all my difficulties…maybe i can get some sence of security by realising that and re-build my confidence

Soon after i left from W’s office yesterday i went to the library and found a couple of books and did some photocopying from Denzin and Lincoln book…i need now to discipline myself and create a good pattern of doing some work to clarify my ideas, eat well, try to sleep better (will get some herbs) and do some physical exercise (my dancing helps)…all aimed at facilitating the illuminations i need to become able to chanel my creative energies….even if my ‘meaning making process’ cannot be easily restored and even if i have become cynical etc and out of passion…i still need to be doing my best…maybe all this deep disappointment and demystifying so much alltogether is part of growing up…it’s hard but cannot be avoided..i need to strengthen my will in choosing to be looking after myself and be well, no matter what happend in the outside…i shall become more important to me and love myself more..that way i imagine i will find a way of discovering meaning and getting moved again, in a more grounded way

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